Touch is a basic necessity
- Rob
- 6 days ago
- 8 min read
How a lack of touch can hinder men.
Touch together with food/water/oxygen is a basic necessity of life.
Why men need more platonic touches.
When I was preparing to read this article about the lack of gentle touch in men's lives, I immediately thought: 'I am confident that I can touch other men platonically, but I don't trust other men to think the same way. A man could just do something 'scary'. After all, they always do that'. Immediately after that I asked myself: 'Wait a minute, why do I distrust men in particular?' The little voice in my head didn't say, 'You can't just trust people', that little voice said, 'I don't trust some men'.
In Western culture, we believe that men can never feel fully familiar with the world of the physical. We suspect men that as soon as the opportunity arises, they will immediately switch to sexuality. That men know no other way to bind themselves physically. That men cannot control themselves.
Break the isolation.
As a result, it has become our task to prove that men can be trusted, in every interaction and from case to case. Partly because many men have indeed behaved badly. We prove our so-called reliability by completely ignoring physical touch, in any situation where even the slightest doubt about our intentions could arise – which, unfortunately, is the case in many situations.
"We crave touch. But we are cut off from it. The result is touch isolation."
What are the consequences for men? They feel physically and emotionally isolated. They feel cut off from that deeply human physical contact that has been shown to reduce stress, boost self-confidence, and create a community. Instead, we walk alone in the enormous hustle and bustle of our cities, in a desert of loneliness. Craving for physical connection.
How often do men get the opportunity to express their affection through a platonic touch that may last a little longer? How often does that happen between men? Or between men and women? Not just shaking hands or giving a hug, but a physical contact between two people that is comforting and personal, but not sexual.
Between people who are not each other's lovers, and will never be. Holding each other's hands. Or lean against each other. Sitting together. That kind of thing. Just the warmth of contact. Imagine that as a man you have five minutes of physical contact with another man. How quickly does that ugly ghost of homophobia come to your end? And why?
While women are much freer in physical contact with each other, men are immediately suspected when they touch each other. There is only one space in our culture in which long-term platonic physical contact is allowed to men, and that is between fathers and their young children.
A lack of physical contact.
As a young child and as a teenager, there was no physical contact between me and others, except in the form of rude manners or bullying. My mother withdrew from physical contact with me very early on, which could be partly the result of how she herself was raised. I suspect that in her parents' house physical touch was something to toddlers, but not to children from a certain age. In addition, my father was often absent. This meant that I grew up without being held or touched. It caused me enormous uncertainties about human contact.
It didn't take until I was about twenty years old before I dared to beat my arm for a date, without getting drunk first. To this day, I sometimes wonder how I can make physical contact with people, even with good friends. It's not that I can't, but it just remains strange, unusual. As if we all feel like we are doing something ..... that is actually not allowed?
Contact with male friends is always short, a handshake or a pat on the back. Hugs with both men and women seem like a ballet with an uncomfortable, comic choreography, in which we turn our lower bodies away from each other with tight shoulders, and we try to make it clear to everyone that we really have no sexual intentions.
We do our utmost to be seen as sexually neutral, and to make it clear that we do not enjoy these moments of physical touch or contact.
The sexualization of touch.
Not only do we distrust other men in this confused realm of physical touch, years of shame and prejudice have taught us to distrust even ourselves.
Did I enjoy that too much? Do I have inappropriate thoughts?
This mistrust makes us insecure about touching another person, unless we have established clear rules for this.
Often we give up and then just start a relationship, in which touching is allowed. Only then do we allow ourselves long-term relationships with our girlfriend or boyfriend. The universe of possible platonic human touches is suddenly reduced to the exclusive domain of one person and then liquefies into the sexual.
All those needs lie with one person and that is a lot, no matter how loving and giving this person can be.
Which leads to the question: how do we teach men to understand how touch works? How to distinguish sexuality from the Platonic? Is the pleasure of human contact inherently sexual to some extent?
I doubt this is a question that the average Italian man would ever ask himself. But in America, generations of puritanical sexual reprimands have made this a central question.
By putting the fear of sexuality first in all interactions, we have thrown away the baby with the bath water, and we avoid any contact to avoid even the slightest accusation of unwanted sexual contact.
Veel ouders stoppen fysiek contact met jongens zodra hun zonen de puberteit naderen. Het contact dat deze jongens zoeken, wordt vaak als verwarrend ervaren, of zelfs als seksueel verdacht beschouwd. En wat volkomen ongelooflijk is, is dat alle mogelijkheden voor fysieke aanraking dan naar jonge meisjes komen, die plotseling worden gebombardeerd met aanraking met de poortwachters. En ze zijn net zo onvoorbereid als de jongens.
And so boys are saddled with two unspoken lessons:
- Any touch is sexually suspicious
- Find a girlfriend or forget the contact
A particularly devastating message for guys who are gay.
This gives boys few options. Although aggression on the sports field or bullying in the locker room often results in sporadic moments of human contact, this probably does not apply to softness.
When young men's need for touch is expressed in physically rough interactions with other boys, or in awkward sexual contact with girls, they lose the feeling of being part of nature, and that nature is part of them. And they lose their conscious relationship with the soft, platonic contact from their childhood.
Sometimes it only happens when their children are born that they rediscover soft Platonic touch.
The paternal holding and the care contact are free of the dramatic sex-sex-sex that dominates our culture.
Desire for real contact.
Is it a miracle that sexual relationships in our culture are so loaded with anger and fear? Boys are dumped on a desert island of physical isolation. And the only way they can find comfort is by entering the mixed space of sexual contact to get the connection they need.
This makes sexual relationships a much larger and comprehensive experience than it should be. We encourage aggressive physical contact as an appropriate way of contact for boys among themselves. And we turn a blind eye to rough harassment, as if we expect this to lead to a softer form of sexual contact with girls in their romantic lives.
The value of touch.
There are seniors living in nursing homes who receive visits from dogs that they are allowed to hold and pet. This improves their health and emotional state of mind. This is due to the power of contact between living beings. Why do sweet caring people drive through the city and bring dogs to old people's homes? Because no one else touches these old people.
"We know the value of touch, even if we do everything we can to protect ourselves from it."
They should be able to have grandchildren on their laps every day, or a warm outstretched human hand to hold, and not dogs that come by once a week. And yet we put a dog on their lap, instead of giving them human touch, because we maintain a culture that maintains that human touch is suspicious.
We know the value of touch, even if we do everything we can to protect ourselves from it
If men could spread their need for physical contact over a much broader range of platonic relationships, it would do wonders for their sense of belonging in the world. As it is now, we can't even handle a hug well, because we can't express what we haven't learned.
Fear of condemnation.
Some men have a tragic laundry list of reasons why they don't feel comfortable touching:
- They fear that this will be called 'sexually inappropriate' by women.
- We live in a violent homophobic culture in which any contact between men and men is suspicious.
- We don't want to get any warning not to be sexual towards children.
- We do not want to risk our status as macho or authority by being gentle in the physical sense.
- We never want to be rejected when we seek contact.
The deep cause of all these flawed rationalizations lies in the fact that many men are never taught to make gentle non-sexual contact. Men are usually not taught that we can touch and be touched, as a platonic expression of joyful human contact.
As a result, touches in society are over-sexualized, and fears can grow to unbridled proportions, making it seem that prejudices about men and their touches could be justified. The inability to make relaxed contact through touch isolates men emotionally. This situation can contribute to high rates of alcoholism, depression and abuse.
The prohibition of Platonic touch.
And what, if the lack of platonic touch leads some men to be far too aggressive towards women, who as exclusive guardians of the soft touch carry a burden that is difficult to manage? Women who are victims of touch and also, together with men, are enforcers of the ban on platonic touch?
The influence of our collective touch phobia is felt by every man, woman, and child in our society.
The Power of Vulnerability talks about the limitations men face in trying to express their vulnerability in our culture. How men are influenced by the expectations of our culture about what a man is or is not allowed to do. I think the restrictions imposed on men are also about their physical expression. This limitation is also harmful to men.
The awareness of touch.
But there is also good news.
There are many reasons why full-time stay-at-home fathers are such a transformative force in society. An important reason is the blossoming of their physical contact. Full-time fathers have no choice but to hold their own beautiful children. They learn to touch in the most powerful and life-confirming way. In ways that previous generations of men simply did not have at their disposal.
If you have held your sleeping child night after night, and walked with his hand in yours for years, you are a changed man. You get a self-evident ease of contact, and a self-confidence that you will never lose again. It is a gift to men and to our children who together literally have the ability to transform today's culture.
Touch how do you do that?
When I'm in the company of a friend now I touch him. And I do it with confidence and joy. I follow my conviction and intention with this. The patterns in my life may be a bit rigid, but I plan to do everything I can to have contact with my son, hoping that he will have a different view of touch in his life. I hug him and kiss him. We hold each other's hands or I put my arm around him when we watch TV or walk down the street. I won't let him go because someone is making a problem of our physical connection.
I will not withdraw from him now either because there is somehow an unspoken rule that I will eventually have to let him go in the world to take care of himself. I hope that even if he is a man, we can hold each other's hands. I hope we hold on to each other until the day I die.
Eventually, we will be able to unlearn our fear of touch in our personal lives, and in our daily interactions. We will learn how to express Platonic love and affection through touch. This is a huge and remarkable change that must be lived. But it's so important that we do it. Because it is central to a rich and full life.
